


a flower that blooms quietly at night.

by sokha



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst, Anxiety, Author Projecting Onto Both Jun and Wonwoo, Coping, Depression, Gen, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Overdose, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Roommates, Sarcasm, Slice of Life, Tags May Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:00:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23941204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sokha/pseuds/sokha
Summary: just a story about jun and wonwoo being roommates. they're just going thorough it the whole time and honestly don't know how to help each other out.
Relationships: Jeon Wonwoo & Wen Jun Hui | Jun, Jeon Wonwoo/Wen Jun Hui | Jun
Comments: 1
Kudos: 33





	1. we’re starting off like this.

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanna say that I'm using this a coping mechanism because I've been extremely depressed for the past few months and haven't been able to have therapy for a while now. Regardless, there will be triggering content so please proceed with caution! With that being said, I hope my emotional pain can be interesting or at least funny. Enjoy!

When Jun opens up the door to Room 96A of Serenity Square—his dorm building—, his eyes are blessed with an empty dorm room. He sighs and relaxes his body. Turning around, he faces his friend, Soonyoung, and gives him a small smile. “You should go to your dorm now, I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure? Junnie you know I don’t mind staying until your roommate gets here. I’m your best friend.” says Soonyoung with a voice laced with worry. He wants to make his offer sound like a friendly suggestion, but the tone of his voice makes it sound too assertive. 

Jun just pats his shoulder lightly. “Kwon Soonyoung, it is absolutely fine my dude. The semester hasn’t even started yet,’ Jun replies with these words in hopes to ease any worries, “There’s no reason for anything bad to happen yet.” He laughs softly with this, but he can see the concern surfacing on Soonyoung’s face. 

The other boy decides that Jun will not take up his offer, so he makes his way to his own dorm, but not before he sharply turns around and points at Jun, “But I’m serious Wen Junhui. Call me if something serious comes up.” His voice is stern and steady until the end when it tapers off and becomes shaky. There’s a reason why it’s shaky at the end, Jun knows this. Then off Soonyoung goes, heading to the upstairs level of the dorm apartments. 

If freshmen had the choice to pick their roommates, Soonyoung would’ve made Jun pick him in a heartbeat. They were best friends in high school after all. But there were other reasons besides being friends that would make Soonyoung keep a close eye on Jun. Just some things that happened in high school. 

To be quite honest, Jun is surprised he even made it this far. Senior year of high school was rather eventful in all the wrong ways. He almost flunked two courses and went ‘missing’ for a week, which caused quite a scare for Soonyoung and the school counselors. Other things happened as well, but Jun doesn’t think about them a lot. Even though they were a big deal to others, he just shrugged the actions off. So despite all the chaos he’s been spiralling in for years, he made it here somehow. He got the damn diploma everyone cared so much about and enrolled into college. He laughed when he got the acceptance letter to Quartz Pillar College, his grades were pathetic but it must’ve been his extracurricular activities and pitiful essay that got him in. Though the reason he got here doesn’t really matter because now that he’s here, he’s got no plans. If Jun were to visualize the timeline of his life, it ended right before the end of senior year. But unfortunately his life rolled on and passed that checkpoint. Jun was still existing after his graduating class was tossing up their caps and partying endless at the end of the four years. And Jun was there. He felt so sad and empty that he was still there. 

Then Jun was still there when summer breezes hit his face the countless times Soonyoung dragged him out for ice cream or rides to the beach. Those times were nice. Always aesthetically and conventionally nice though, never nice in Jun’s heart. He never liked those things but couldn’t hurt his best friend’s feelings like that. 

And how Jun’s here, with his door now closed shut, staring at what will be his home for the semester and the year. He sighs so tiredly. Pushing against the force of inertia, Jun manages to get his legs moving and begins to unpack. 

When the Chinese boy is done setting everything up, he takes a step back and looks at everything. His section of the dorm is rather bland, deciding to decorate it with as little of “him” as possible. A laptop, a phone, some chargers, headphones, and some photographs were all that he took as personal belongings aside from clothing. He didn’t want to bring anything from his life. Since this part of his life is unplanned, Jun decides he wants an almost fresh start here. The only real link between past and present for him is Soonyoung now. 

But this meant that unpacking went quicker than he had anticipated. So now he’s just lying there on his bed doing nothing. He should be at all the welcoming day events right now, but he just can’t get himself to do any of it. On his way to the dorms, he saw the large crowds of people congregating together, greeting each other so warmly with hugs and laughter. The whole situation brought a tension into his chest, so Soonyoung thought it would’ve been just easier to go to the dorms. Jun just hopes things will sort of smooth themselves out by the time classes start, because he really doesn’t have the drive to do anything anymore. And he thinks a lot. About school and his courses. About why Soonyoung stayed by his side after all these years. About tomorrow. About his past, which always causes him to push away any thoughts about his senior year. Most importantly though, he thinks about his roommate who he hasn’t met yet. 

_ I feel so bad for the guy.  _ Jun thinks  _ I haven't even met him yet but I feel sorry that he’s got to deal with my depressing ass behavior for the whole year. _

There’s not really much to do during Welcoming Week that’s not about socializing, so Jun just coops himself in his dorm for the first day watching Netflix. He’s watching  _ Perks of Being a Wallflower  _ for the fifth time this month because Netflix finally decided to start streaming it. He always cries at the ending. 

Looking at the time now, Jun sees that it’s 9 p.m. and his roommate still hasn’t gotten here. He tries not to worry about it too much, but he wonders where the other boy is at. But his worries are soon seized when Jun grows more and more tired. Eventually he doesn’t realize himself slipping out of consciousness until he closes his eyes shut. Jun begins to snore softly as he falls into a deeper slumber. He still doesn’t know who his roommate is though.

It’s 1 a.m. now when the door opens again. Standing there is someone new. Jun’s still asleep, so the stranger does his best not to awaken the sleeping boy. Gently, he places all his belongings into drawers and his new desk. And as quickly as he gets in the room, the stranger is already out the door. All he takes is some clothes, his wallet and his phone. Nothing else.

When Jun wakes up, he’s surprised. The alarm goes off at 9 a.m. and he manages to get himself up to shut it off. Still drowsy, he rubs his eyes and runs his hand through his caramel colored hair. Taking in his still new surroundings, Jun notices the new items that have made a home in his dorm. 

_ Mhmm, guess the roommate was here already. I wonder why he didn’t bother greeting me? _

He shrugs and decides not to think about it too much. Overthinking has always led to bad things for Jun. 

  
  



	2. the intruder needs their peaches.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> where jun meets wonwoo. inspired by the can of peaches i ate yesterday.

It’s been a minute since Jun has yet to meet his roommate. But in reality, this concept that Jun rarely exists in, it’s been a week. It’s been a whole motherfucking week since the Fall Semester has started and Jun still hasn’t met his roommate. He swears that he’s heard his roommate or a stranger (they’re practically the same thing at this point), coming into the room in the middle of the night multiple times though. Maybe he’s lost the last screw in his brain and has officially gone insane. Regardless, Jun has yet to see or talk to his roommate after this long and it drives him up the wall into the stars. He expresses this anxiety to Soonyoung at lunch in the cafeteria. 

"It's just not normal Soonyoung!" exclaims Jun profusely as his arms flail around to emphasize his point. 

"Jun," says Soonyoung when he pushes his blonde hair back as if it helps him stay calm, "it's safe to say that you are the last person to decide if something is normal or not." 

Jun decides to totally disregard his best friend's comment and is instead lost in thought. 

Suddenly he drops his spoon and gasps audibly. "Oh my god. What happens if the ‘roommate’ is just a thief who's been slowly stealing stuff this whole time?" 

With one eyebrow cocked up, Soonyoung tilts his head up from his food in disbelief. "Why would a thief leave his belongings in the same place he's stealing from? Or go to the same place in the same week. Or hell, why would a thief steal from a college student?"

Jun sulks into his seat, "You're right. But none of this is helping me figure out who the hell this person is."

"Why don't you just pretend to be asleep and then follow them to wherever the hell they go later on." Soonyoung sarcastically suggests when he cracks open a soda can, "have you ever thought of that?" 

For once in Jun’s unfortunately long life, he thinks really hard at the proposal. It’s not long before he comes to a conclusion, "Soonyoung you're a genius!" Jun exclaims, "that's exactly what I'm going to do!"

"That was supposed to a joke J—" 

"This is  _ no  _ joking matter." Jun replies, firm on his newly formed plan.

Soonyoung can do nothing but sigh and just wait to see how this disaster plays out.

///

It’s around 2:30 a.m. and Jun is still waiting for his roommate to enter the room. He drank two energy drinks and an espresso shot to stay awake. Unfortunately those things are really just making him feel more anxious rather than feeling alert. He’s lying there on his bed with his eyes closed just waiting. Jun’s starting to get the feeling that he’s being a creep, but in his defense this wouldn’t have happened if his roommate was just normal and greeted him properly! A couple of more minutes pass before Jun quits this plan. Giving up, Jun decides to just pass out and sleep this failure off. The caffeine is still coursing inside his veins so he stirs in his sleep.

Unknown to him though, there’s a faint sound of footsteps in front of the door and then a sudden  _ click!  _ of the door opening. The person behind the actions makes their way inside of the room and starts to rummage through all the items. They crouch down to a black duffel bag underneath Jun’s roommate’s unused desk. After searching desperately for whatever it is they need, and realizing they can’t find it, they get up abruptly. 

“Fucking shit of course I ran out of canned peaches at a time like this! How am I supposed to make it through the week without my peaches.” Their voice sounds like they’re on the verge of tears. They push their jet black hair out of their face and huff out a puff of air. “Guess I have to get my damn peaches now.” 

The person storms out of the dorm in a flurry. Little did they know Jun was woken up by the sound of them moving everything around hazardously. At first he was pissed off that someone had disrupted his slumber, but once he peeked his head out from underneath the sheets, Jun quickly shut his trap. 

Once he realized the intruder had exited the spaces, Jun let out a muffled giggle underneath his blanket, “I got you now motherfucker. You can’t escape now!” 

Not wanting to lose sight of the roommate and/or intruder, Jun throws the blanket off his body and springs into action. He gets dizzy after getting on his feet quickly, so he stumbles on the way to the door. Entering the hallway, Jun turns his head from left to right until he notices a boy, around his height, hasilty making his way out of the building. He follows him. 

///

After trailing behind the mysterious boy for a few miles, the boy enters a 24/7 convenience store.  _ What the hell could he be doing in there at this ungodly hour?  _ Jun thinks before shutting his mind up because he’s literally the dumbass following the stranger into the store at such ‘ungodly hours’. He charges after the canned peach muttering boy, determined to know who they are. 

When Jun gets into the store, he scans the place around. There’s only one worker behind the counter and he looks disinterested in being there as he flips through some fashion book magazine. Trying to keep focus on his target, Jun starts reweaving through the aisles to find the canned peach boy. After a few minutes, he catches him. Without thinking, Jun starts to march on over to the culprit. 

“So are you here to steal from the store too?” Jun says in a sturdy voice, his arms crossed against his chest. 

The supposed intruder turns around with 30 cans of peaches in his hands with the most perplexed look on his face. 

///

ROOMMATE/INTRUDER/POTENTIAL THIEF'S POV AKA WONWOO’S POV

All Wonwoo wants is some damn canned peaches. He needs his depression snack now and he was willing to walk a couple of miles again just get to them. And now he’s tired as well, but at least he can enjoy one of the few joys in his life. The last thing he expects though when making his trip is some random guy accusing him of robbing the store.

“Excuse me?” says Wonwoo, sounding so offended by the accustation.

“I said,” the other boy said with his index finger popping right at his nose, “are you the thief of Room 96A in Serenity Square?”

_ How the hell does this dude know my dorm room number.  _ Wonwoo thinks.  _ What happens if he’s a cop or something? Damn the cops haven’t been on my case since high school.  _

“Depends who’s asking,” replies Wonwoo so nonchalantly, “are you a cop or something?”

The accuser's face is priceless. His face crinkles up in confusion, before he shakes his head. “A cop? What? No dude, I’m just a college student. What the hell were you doing in my dorm tonight?”

Then it hits Wonwoo how much of an idiot he really is. Wonwoo realizes that this deranged kid that’s been following him for miles is his supposed roommate. Well this is what Wonwoo gets for only sneaking in there at night and never actually greeting the guy. He calculates this is the right time to introduce himself or at least explain why he goes into the room.

“Uh, it’s because I actually live there. Well I’m supposed to live there, but I don’t really go there a lot.” Wonwoo sort of just nervously chuckles with his explanation.

Wonwoo sees his roommate’s face become even more confused, “So wait. So you aren’t a thief?” Then the other boy gestures to the peaches pressed against Wonwoo’s chest, “And you aren’t going to steal all those peaches?”

“No he’s not,” the worker sighs behind the counter, cutting into the conversation, “Wonwoo is always in this fucking store at the oddest of hours for canned peaches. We even have some in the back in case the shelves aren’t stocked with them. The last time when the canned peaches were gone this dude had a mental breakdown.”

“Don’t you think you’re oversharing Jeonghan?” Wonwoo replies with venom lacing his words. “Next time give me a fucking break would you and not reveal my name?”

“Mhmm, no I don’t think so. Now hurry the hell up and pay already I’m tired of you both!” Jeonghan yelled, clearly pissed off that these two were causing a scene in a damn convenience store over canned peaches. Wonwoo pays for the canned peaches and the roommates leave the shop. Wonwoo is relieved to have his peaches safely in a brown paper bag. 

Wonwoo starts heading back to the college, when his roommate grabs his arm. “So how do I know you aren’t lying Wonwoo? If that really  _ is  _ your name?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments are appreciated!


	3. i guess i'll meet your friend.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mingyu enters the story and soonyoung pops up again in an unexpected way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i haven't posted a while for this story. finals are coming up so i've been doing a lot of academic writing. apologizes if this chapter is too scatterbrained.

When Jun exits the store with Wonwoo, he doesn’t believe what’s happening. He has so many questions flooding his mind that he can’t think or develop a proper thought. Why was Wonwoo avoiding him and the dorm? Why didn’t he just greet him like a normal person on the first day? What are his reasons and why was there no explanation or note left for Jun? Caught up in his thoughts, Jun notices that his roommate is starting to walk away. So naturally he reaches out to grab his roommate's arm. Jun doesn’t think before he speaks. 

“So how do I know you aren’t lying Wonwoo? If that really  _ is  _ your name?” Jun questions, examining Wonwoo up and down.

Wonwoo just looks done from this whole ordeal and doesn’t try to be sarcastic, so he gives a simple reply. “Because I can show you the dorm I’ve been staying in the whole time. It’s in the same building as ours.”

“Why should I believe you?” says Jun with his guard up still. There’s no way he’s going to be fooled so easily, he can tell the vibes are clearly off. 

Wonwoo takes Jun's hand that’s on his forearm and yanks it off forcefully. “Look bro, I don’t know what your deal is, but knock it off. I’m not telling you whether you should believe me or not. I’m just trying to speak the truth that you so desperately want. So stop being so damn stubborn and just meet my friend who I have been staying with, ight? How does that sound?”

Jun’s still a little flustered and razzled by the comment. The caffeine is making him jittery still and he’s sort of got a headache now. He’s tired and also just wants to get this over with. “Fine. Fine. Let’s just hurry up because I’m getting tired.”

Wonwoo scoffs as he continues walking. “Not my fault you followed me you creep.”

///

Now here the two are, standing in front of Wonwoo’s hideout for the past week. It looks oddly familiar to Jun. Squinting, Jun reads the plaque next to the door.  _ Room 97B. _ The dorm number sounds familiar but his memory is so blurry at the moment that he can’t recall why it rings a bell. It shouldn’t ring a bell, their dorm doors don’t have bells!

Without so much as a knock on the door to warn anyone inside of their arrival, Wonwoo unlocks the door and kicks it wide open. The force is hard enough for there to be a crashing sound when the door collided with the wall and yet, nobody was woken up. It seems college students have truly evolved and ascended past the abilities of the average human being. 

“I’m back you fuckers. And I brought a guest with me.” Wonwoo is practically yelling each word like he’s at a concert and not some college dorm at five in the morning. He flips the light switch and the room gets bathed in that cheap yellow tinted lightbulb glow. There’s a rumbling noise coming from one of the beds now. From underneath a blanket, a human emerges. They stretch their arms up and let out a loud yawn. Noticing an extra body in the room, they become a little more alert and slightly flustered.

“Wonwoo!” The voice is deep and smooth as the words roll off their tongue, “I didn't know you made a new friend!”

Surprisingly, Wonwoo shuts the door gently and tsks at the other’s remark, “I told you Mingyu, I don’t make friends.” Wonwoo pushes back his black hair from his forehead and just looks ticked off. 

The guy, who Jun knows now as Mingyu, climbs out of his bed and chuckles softly. Looking at Wonwoo’s friend, the guy has broad shoulders and is about Jun’s own height, except he’s got a better physique and this reddish brown colored hair. Wonwoo and this new face bicker for a little bit. Jun can tell from their exchange that they’re close. This time Jun takes a look around the room. It’s similar to the one he sleeps in, except there’s a bunk bed in place of the standard dorm bed. He thinks it’s a miracle that the person—who just looks like a lump from where he’s standing from— on the top bunk bed is still asleep. Now that Jun thinks of it, he’s just finding it weird that there are three people sharing a dorm. 

_ That’s odd. I don’t remember there being an option for a three person dorm. How the hell is there a bunk bed in here.  _

“So,” Wonwoo’s friend says which snaps Jun back into reality, “by what unfortunate fate or chance did you manage to meet this guy?” Mingyu gestures his hands to Wonwoo, who promptly shoves his friend for this remark. Wonwoo walks his way over to his bed, the bed pushed against the wall facing the door. “Also what’s your name? I realize I haven’t gotten it yet.”

Jun begins to explain the whole situation, but he quickly gets cut off. “My name’s Jun. I met him when I was—”

“When he was following me to the store like a creep.” Interjects Wonwoo passive aggressively, each word sounding like he’s one second from starting a fight. 

“Well it’s not  _ my  _ fault that I’m concerned why I don’t have a roommate but some random guy popping up in the middle of the night instead.” Jun defends himself. 

Mingyu’s face is in disbelief. At this moment he appears to have hit nirvana or some great revelation. He turns, looking at Wonwoo and then at Jun. “This is your roommate, Wonwoo?”

Wonwoo sighs and just starts scrolling through his phone, “Apparently.” The bright LED screen hits his face, painting Wonwoo’s sharp features in a harsh white light.

“Well that’s just delightful then!” The cheerfulness in Mingyu’s voice is borderline disgusting especially when it’s 5 am. “He seems like a wonderful roommate to have, I think you’ll be fine to move back in.”

“And I would gladly decline that suggestion, why don’t we just let Soonie switch places?” Wonwoo mutters, not taking his eyes off his phone’s screen.

“Because this is his and my dorm room, you’re just a guest here.” Mingyu replies with a slight raise in his voice. “Also we should probably wake him up now.”

As though Mingyu and Wonwoo are communicating to each other telepathically, each takes an item near themselves and chucks it at the sleeping form. For Mingyu that’s a pillow, for Wonwoo it’s a hardcover version of  _ The Odyssey _ . 

“Soonie wake the hell up, Wonwoo has a new friend.” Mingyu whisper yells that ends up sounding more like a command. 

Wonwoo grits his teeth again. “He’s not a fucking friend.” he replies bitterly. 

“I’m right here you know?” Jun interjects, feeling like he’s clearly being forgotten about here.

The sleeping person slowly begins to stir around in their bed and wake up. From Jun’s view they kick off their blanket and faceplant themselves into the pillow. Then slowly, they make their way down the bunk bed ladder. The whole time Jun can’t see the person's face, because they were always facing away from him and also had a hoodie over their head with the strings pulled tightly. 

When the hoodie guy makes it to the floor, Mingyu wastes no time trying to acquaint the two. As the boy turns around to face Jun, Wonwoo’s friend introduces them to each other. But for Jun, there is no need for introductions. 

“Soonyoung this is— OH MY GOD JUN!” Mingyu’s sentence is cut off midway and becomes a screech when Jun’s fist collides into the side of Soonyoung’s face. Jun didn’t even think about it. He just saw his friend’s face and threw the punch. Perhaps friendship is just an odd thing for Jun. 

///

SOONYOUNG’S POV

Soonyoung hates being woken up. It’s just something he finds so immoral and cruel for people to do and thus kindly asks his roommates to never do that ever. And yet, here they go. Waking up his poor tired soul at some ungodly hour. He’s not alert yet when everyone in the room is still talking. But when he turns around to see who’s there, well, Soonyoung is struck hard against the face. The next thing he hears is a voice calling him out. 

“Soonyoung you motherfucker!” the voice hisses.

Soonyoung is  _ still  _ not fully awake yet to even register half of the events. Rubbing his eyes and pushing back his brittle and overly processed blonde hair, he looks up. He realizes who just called his name. In front of Soonyoung is a very tired and trembling Jun. 

“Jun? What are you doing here?” The blonde mumbles and in a gravelly voice.

“I could ask you the same!? How the  _ hell  _ did you not realize something was off here!?” Jun goes off on a little rant, “I mean there isn’t even an option for three person dorms. Didn’t you think it was odd?”

“Junnie I’ve seen a lot of odd and quite frankly fucked up shit because of you, so nothing seems to faze me these days.” Jun’s friend just dryily replies.

“Wait wait.” Mingyu jumps in, clearly confused, “You two know each other?”

“Umm yeah,” Jun quickly says, “we’re best friends actually.”

“Oh that’s just  _ so  _ delightful then. That means you two can just go share a room and me and Mingyu can be here in peace.” It’s Wonwoo this time who speaks, sounding exhausted as he has been all day and most days. Soonyoung should be surprised this lump of cells is still functioning, but then again, he knows Jun. And Jun is just a walking crime scene waiting to happen. 

“Wait Wonwoo I can’t believe I’m agreeing with you but that sounds like a great idea!” Jun jumps up in place at the proposal, “Then we all can be happy!”

Okay it’s been about ten minutes since Soonyoung was first woken up. Now he can fully think. He glances up at Mingyu who is mouthing the words “ _ Don’t do it”  _ and “ _ I have an idea”  _ while simultaneously making a scene with his hands in some form of charades. Soonyoung thinks Mingyu is saying that Wonwoo and Jun should be roommates and that they should kick them out of the room now. Nodding in agreement, Mingyu mouths a countdown.  _ 3\. 2. 1.  _

Without much thought, as most don’t think at this hour, Soonyoung and Mingyu grab their respective best friends by the waist and carry them to the door.

“Wait are you doing?!” Jun cries out squirming in Soonyoung’s arms.

“Let go of me you fucking beanpole!” Wonwoo growls at Mingyu who’s clearly got a strong grip on him. 

Then in sync, Mingyu and Soonyoung literally toss their friends out the door. 

“You two.” Mingyu starts off pointing at both Wonwoo and Jun, who look quite dazed at what had just happened. “Get along. Be friends. Okay?”

And just like that, Soonyoung closes the door in front of their faces. He sighs in relief that this whole dilema is over with for now. He leans against the door and slides down til his bottom hits the floor. “Do you think they’ll be friends?” Soonyoung asks Mingyu.

“We can hear you, you know?” Wonwoo and Jun yell through the wooden door. “And we’re not leaving until you open this damn door!” This time it’s only Jun speaking. 

Soonyoung just laughs as he brushes a hand through his hair, “Good, you’re supposed to hear that. Now run along now you two. Go before someone reports us.”

And just like that, Soonyoung hears an abrupt sound as Wonwooo and Jun take off in a hurry. Mingyu and Soonyoung know the reason behind this response though for their own best friend. 

Looking up, Soonyoung looks at Mingyu who’s just laughing now. The supposed beanpole sits down besides Soonyoung on the floor. They’re staring at the ceiling now.

“So what’s Jun like?” Mingyu asks.

“He’s complicated to describe.” Soonyoung sighs.

“We have time. Besides, there’s some things you don’t know about Wonwoo either.” Mingyu says in a worried voice. The two look at each other like they understand what’s being said, even if it’s not spoken. So they talk about it for a while. They don’t say or reveal too much about their best friends, but just enough to know the basic idea. From what Mingyu and Soonyoung have seen, those two really don’t give a shit who knows that they’re fucked up in all sorts of ways. 

“Our friends are going to cause a lot of trouble, you know? Together and alone.” Soonyoung says, “You know how Wonwoo has been in the dorm so far, and that’s how Jun is sometimes too.” It’s a serious statement that hasn’t matched the tone of the night. His pupils shake a little with each word he says. The past hour or so has been an emotional trip that he wasn’t anticipating. “We have to watch out for them still, who knows what could happen to them both.”

“I’m guessing we’re going to need some code words huh?” Mingyu says jokingly to not get too serious at the moment. 

Nodding Soonyoung just laughing softly in disbelief, “I guess we do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next few chapters will most likely have a more serious tone to them compared to the current mood of the story so far.


	4. deja vu happens unexpectedly.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jun finds himself heading towards an old situation.

Despite Mingyu and Soonyoung’s order to get along and become friends, Jun and Wonwoo don’t exactly hit it off. Who can blame Jun though? He’s not exactly the type to make a lot of friends, and Wonwoo seems to be the same. So Jun feels like he’s walking on eggshells around his roommate, like he isn’t sure how to initiate a conversation. What surprises Jun the most is that Wonwoo actually stays in the dorm and doesn’t try to escape back to Mingyu’s place after the whole rendezvous. 

Still things are awkward between them. They usually don’t say anything to each other besides a simple ‘hi’ or just a low humming sound. For them it’s enough. For Soonyoung though, it’s barely enough. But Jun just doesn’t want to. Every time Soonyoung drills Jun on and on about it, all the fuses in his mind spark and then blow out. Part of him is sort of refusing to and his mind is shutting down because of it. He feels fuzzy and off again, like before. It’s like before and Jun doesn’t like it. But he’s friends with the feeling and doesn’t try to get rid of its festering in his mind. 

So without much thinking, he just takes off to where he went the last time things got bad. Like that one time he just went missing for a week. It’s only been a month since the semester commenced, but Jun feels like he’s suffocating. Taking whatever Jun had on himself after his Introduction to Philosophy class and storms off. Past the food court, past the dorms and past the university’s gates.

He doesn’t think about what he's doing, he just does. 

///

Fuzzy. Everything is just fuzzy inside his mind. It’s like hearing TV static buzzing constantly but muffled, like there’s cotton caught in his ears as well. It hurts, it all hurts for some reason. He struggles to pin the feeling to a cause though. 

Jun can't really remember anything that's happening, he's just stumbling into a bus that'll take him where he needs to go. After being dropped off at a bus stop, Jun gets closer to where he needs to be. 

Standing in front of the apartment door Jun frantically checks his bag to see if he still has the key. Fortunately he does. Praying that the lock hasn't changed, Jun slots the key into the lock and twists it. By the graces of God the door opens up and Jun peeks around at the apartment a little. It's different from when he was there eight months ago. The living space and kitchen look up to date and much more modern, but Jun glances down and notices the rug that’s always been there since the beginning. He laughs before getting on the floor and onto the rug. Jun gets himself as comfortable as he can and just passes out. Right there in the middle of an apartment. 

When he wakes up an hour or two later, he doesn’t speak or move. Jun just lies his back against the floor and stares at the ceiling. It’s deja vu. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i haven't posted in a while. i was in a really bad place cause of my mental health and finals. hoping to post more soon though. take care~


	6. i'm not asking you, i'm telling you what to do.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> soonyoung asks for wonwoo's help.

Wonwoo’s POV

At first Wonwoo doesn’t really notice that Jun is sort of just… missing. They aren't exactly close or have bothered to make a real connection. Besides, they don’t share any classes together and have been actively tiptoeing around each other. It’s awkward to say the least, but Wonwoo knows he isn’t exactly the type of person to be buddy buddy with someone so easily. 

Concern only vaguely begins to hit Wonwoo when he is woken up one night. It’s on the second night Jun is gone and Wonwoo’s eyes open immediately in reaction to a loud banging on his door. Startled and confused, he stumbles to the door and opens it. In front of him is a very terrified and tense Soonyoung. 

“Wonwoo. There’s an emergency.” The dazed and almost hysterical boy says, panting a little. 

Brushing his black hair a little bit, Wonwoo gives a cold reply. “Be more specific than that.”

Soonyoung straightens up to look more composed and looks dead into Wonwoo’s eyes. The gaze is so strong that it makes Wonwoo freeze in place.

“It’s about Jun.”

Wonwoo wants to let out a chuckle or make a sarcastic statement. Because why should that detail make him care so much? But the blonde is so stone cold in his expression that he stifles his humour reflex. 

“Why should I care again?” Wonwoo asks, because he is genuinely curious why this Jun situation pertains to him. 

“Because I need your help dude, stop being so fucking full of yourself already. It’s an emergency and I can’t go for certain reasons. I wouldn’t be asking you if I had other options.” The words hiss out of Soonyoung with so much aggression in them. Wonwoo can’t quite understand why Soonyoung is getting so worked up at the moment. 

“Alright alright. I’ll help, what do I have to do?” Wonwoo asks. He knows he’s not prepared for whatever the hell is going down, but he complies. He’s never really seen Soonyoung being serious before, so it must be bad to some degree. 

“I need you to go here,” Soonyoung says as he shoots Wonwoo a text message, “And open the apartment door. Jun should be there. Don’t ask how I know. I just know he is.” In Soonyoung’s hand is a key. Wonwoo sort of doesn’t understand why he’s going to the rich part of the city and feels like this whole situation isn’t adding up. 

“No no no. Stop, wait. You  _ really  _ need to tell me what the fuck is going on here. I am  _ not  _ getting involved unless I know what’s happening here.” Wonwoo protests.

“I’m not going to tell you.” Soonyoung bites back.

“Then I’m not helping you, because I—” Wonwoo says before he’s abruptly cut off by Soonyoung granting him answers. 

“You wanna fucking know?” The older boy says with anger laced in every atom of his body,” Fine! I’ll tell you what the fuck is happpening!” Soonyoung becomes so unhinged in this moment, completely unrecognizable to his typical calm persona. Wonwoo’s expression changes with every detail Soonyoung reveals. This is not what Wonwoo expected to hear, but it was what was necessary for him to agree. Taking the key from Soonyoung’s hand, he takes off to the apartment. He feels anxious the whole way there. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter thinks get interesting and more emotional...


	7. this is just how i feel and this is just how i am.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tags have been updated. there is a flashback moment that references a suicide attempt. if you would like to skip that part, the section has /// at the start and the end of the section.

When Jun gets like this he has to remind himself to breathe. That he needs to take in air through his lungs to keep his blood pumping through his entire being. So that he’ll keep existing, even if he doesn’t want to. He hates that he has to keep reminding himself this. But if he doesn’t Jun swears he would stop existing at any given moment. Time around him melts away to where he doesn't recall when he got there or how long he's been there. He’s just staring at the ceiling though. It's probably a concerning amount of time given his body feels weighed down and stuck onto the lavious oriental rug on the floor of his friend Minghao's apartment. Minghao was an online friend in China who occasionally flew to visit him and Soonyoung from time to time. They met through social media over some obscure comic book series. In the months that their friend wasn’t there, Minghao entrusted both with a spare key to gain access to the space.

That’s where Jun is. Just staring at the white ceiling of Minghao’s apartment with all the concentration he has left inside of him. Jun usually ends up slipping into a mental void when this happens and this time was no different. 

So now he’s staring at nothing. 

He feels suffocated from existing. The idea and labor that came with existing made Jun feel overwhelmed. And he needed an out from the reality he was living in. It's a bad cycle Jun had caught himself in where he just stops existing now because of it. Rather than pop off the face of the earth permanently, he does it momentarily when he needs to. He doesn't do much except lie there and just—think. Sort all the thoughts and emotions he's been feeling into organized and tidy files inside his mind for later.

Before a few hours would pass and Jun would manage to exist again in reality. To jump into the game again and forget the whole thing happened. But this time it seemed like a day or two days had passed since he'd seen anyone or left the apartment. He can't quite remember what sunlight looked like either except for the few rays of it that cut through the living room shades. It's probably been too long since Soonyoung—his best friend—starts texting him endlessly. Jun can tell it's Soonyoung from the ringtone sound he set for him, an audio clip from View by SHINee. But also the fact nobody really talks to Jun anymore. His friend is probably asking Jun where he's been and if he's doing alright. Jun wants to pick up his phone, open the texting app, and reply to his friend. Something simple. It’s something so effortless, but yet he can't. He just can't, like it's too much energy and effort to do it. So Jun just lets Soonyoung's messages go on until they stop. It's not long before Soonyoung starts calling him. It's rare of this friend of Jun to call, unless it was important. But there was nothing important going on, just Jun being Jun that's all. 

So by the time Jun's phone dies, he's got probably thousands of unopened messages from 'Hoshi, Your Shining Star Boy !’’ and a ton of missed calls as well. But Jun doesn't see anything of them because he never lifts up his head to check his phone every time the screen lights up. 

It's 2 a.m. and Jun should be alone now because nobody knows he’s there. That’s why he's surprised when there's a knock on the door. Each knock is abrupt and hard against the wood. Then there's a voice afterwards.

"Jun? Fuck. Jun are you okay? Fucking hell, are you okay?" 

Despites the words being said, the voice is a rather calm and quiet one. It shakes with every syllable spoken. Jun's too caught up in his haze to really decipher who's at the door. When Jun doesn't respond, he hears a set of keys jingling and suddenly the front door is wide open, letting the cold autumn air in. Even when the figure moves themselves towards Jun, he doesn't look up. He doesn't care who it is right now. Jun's just stuck in his head like usual. 

Suddenly he's being pulled up by the arms so that he's sitting upwards now, his torso perpendicular to the floor. Now there's arms wrapped around Jun's neck, a face pressed into the space between his right shoulder and neck. He thinks he hears crying now.. The guilt in Jun’s heart hits him really bad. Jun thinks he should—and wants to—lift his arms up to run circles into the crying person's back. But he doesn't, Jun's arms stay on his sides. He feels cold and heartless. That he can’t comfort someone when they clearly need it. He feels fucked up. The person on his shoulder sniffles a little bit before speaking. Their voice is cracking and strained from all the crying. He thinks it’s Soonyoung. Nobody else really cares about him anymore. 

"Jun, why didn't you answer Soonyoung's calls?” It’s not Soonyoung. “He's been freaking out for the past two hours worrying about you." It's now when Jun registered who's here. It's Wonwoo, his roommate. He finds himself feeling choked up on his emotions now, the pang of guilt hitting him even worse than before because his roommate of all people has to see him like it. Why the hell does his roommate even care that Jun’s even in this situation. 

Wonwoo tries his best to stay calm, "I—Soonyoung thought it happened again" but he fails when tears come crashing down his face, "He told me about what happened last time." Somehow Jun is capable of feeling both guilt and numbness simultaneously, which doesn't make sense to him. But the mention of 'the last time' pulls him into a mental spiral. Jun finds himself reliving a memory.

///

Jun can’t remember exactly when 'the last time' happened because it’s just so blurred out in his mind and the timeline of his life. He thinks it was the spring semester of freshman year. He wasn't on medication for a while at this time and was having severe breakdowns everyday. At some point the pain, and sometimes the lack of pain, would really just get to Jun. It would crawl underneath his skin and bones and bother him, piss him off even. 

One day, he couldn’t do it anymore and just wanted to feel something other than pain and numbness. At the time Jun didn’t have an active antidepressants prescription, but he developed a bad habit of keeping old ones when he switched meds. He kept the pill bottle tucked away in the nightstand by his bed. He always thought, "I have a way out. I have a way out when it's too much to bear." Jun kept it with him for years because it's reassuring to him. In some fucked up way it was reassuring to Jun that he had an out to his situation. That he could decide when he wanted to go. There's nothing that can comfort Jun the same way than the belief that he was in control of circumstances where control was something he lacked. Gripping the bottle on his hand, Jun quickly unscrewed the cap and let it fall to the ground. Inside the container was an assortment of pills of different shapes, sizes and dosages. Jun's been on so many antidepressants he's forgotten how many he's tried. He lost count after six. 

Standing there for a moment he stood there staring at the bottles insides. He’s in Minghao’s apartment, standing at the foot of where the kitchen meets the living room. There’s an earth tone colored rug lying there beneath his feet. Then another second passed before Jun said fuck it and popped a few (more like 20) without much hesitation. After about five minutes nothing happens. Jun felt disappointment and a slight ting of relief hit his chest. When he got himself out of the kitchen though 15 minutes after tossing back the pills, the effects started kicking in. 

At first it was a small humming sound inside of him. Then Jun's whole body started freaking out as it shook and trembled viciously. He felt like his heart was going to explode because it was beating so fast that he couldn't hear when one beat started and one ended. Not realizing this wasn't the end, Jun tried to get up and make his way to the bathroom. He started coughing a lot and felt nauseous. The boy was gagging aggressively at this moment. The gagging went on for so long that his stomach started hurting and Jun felt the urge to just pass out. He kept trying to throw up whatever the hell was inside of him, but nothing would come out except endless amounts of saliva. 

So there Jun was. In the dead of night gagging, spitting out saliva and shaking. Alone. His throat is burning up so bad and he tries to catch his breath. Panting, all he can think of is  _ “Fuck I'm going to die. Fuck I’m going to die. I’m going to die right now.”  _

With his mind still cloudy, Jun somehow manages to get his phone out of his pocket. He can't see what he’s doing but calls someone. It's all too blurry for Jun but he's crying and on the phone with someone he's not quite sure who. Jun isn't sure if his mouth is moving or not when he tries to speak but all he keeps saying is "I'm sorry" and "I fucked up. I should've written something at least. God I'm so fucking worthless and stupid."

He doesn't remember the rest except some sirens and a hospital bed. There was crying too. A lot of crying from someone else. 

///

Jun gets pulled back into the present when Wonwoo is asking him to say something. He sighs and tries to form a sentence. Jun’s throat aches as he speaks out loud for the first time in almost 48 hours. He shutters through it. 

"I-I wasn't t-trying t-to you know? I wasn't trying to repeat i-it."

Wonwoo doesn't waste time trying to say some sugar coated bullshit though. He gets straight to the point. "And how was Soonyoung supposed to know that? How is your friend supposed to know when it's okay when you disappear and when it's not? God damn it Jun." Wonwoo sounds like he's about to mentally snap but he holds it by gritting his teeth. "You scare him senseless, hell you scare me too. Tell him when you do some shit like this again. " 

At this moment Jun knows that he should just agree with Wonwoo, but he can't will himself to. He feels constricted and doesn't want to let anyone in. Jun gives his response to a monotone voice. It’s so typical of him too. "Maybe."

"Please." Wonwoo is begging this time, "please consider it more than just this moment." 

“Why does it matter to you? You’re just my roommate.” 

And Wonwoo’s face looks so serious at that moment and his roommate bites his lower lip, a clear sign of hesitation. “Do you want me to be honest?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize for not updating this story sooner. i was experiencing a lot of emotional hardships and lost motivation to write for a while. i hope to update this story still and start some more soon as well. please remember to take care of yourselves.


	8. a part of me that's so exposed yet so hidden.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wonwoo decides to open up about his own emotional pain...

Wonwoo’s POV

“Do you want me to be honest?” Wonwoo doesn’t realize the words leave him until it’s too late. Jun is already nodding back in response and now would be an awful time to fake the truth. 

Wonwoo sighs loudly and darts his eyes around the room, looking uncomfortable. His voice becomes quiet when he answers. “Because I’m still like that too.”

Jun looks like he doesn’t know what to say or do, "Do you wanna lie down? You look like a wreck too." Wonwoo feels dumb for not knowing what to say, but doesn’t know what else to do at this moment because it was starting to get awkward as hell. 

Wonwoo doesn't say anything but move himself and Jun so that their backs are pressed to the carpet. They're staring at the ceiling now for a few minutes until Jun is the first to break the silence. 

“How are you like me?” He asks with each word having a hint of hesitation in them. 

"Do you really want to know?" Wonwoo says quietly. Jun nods his head, leaving Wonwoo nothing else to do but sigh and tell his story.

_ Am I going to regret spilling out my emotional pain to someone I barely know? Probably, but fuck it. Guess this is how I change as a person or whatever the fuck this is.  _

“I think life is okay. A bit dull, but it’s okay. It’s not perfect, but it’s okay. There’s not much to do it seems, or maybe I’m just not looking for things to do. Who knows. But I know that everyday feels gray and numb. There’s this weird sort of flat feeling about everything that doesn’t feel quite right inside of me. I don't feel like myself when it happens. And it seems like these days I don’t feel like myself that much anymore. So I just sort of like this feeling that takes over me and takes over everything I do.”

Wonwoo is shaking a little bit and his voice is unsteady.

Jun cuts him off for a second, “You don’t have to keep speaking if you feel uncomfortable. I’m not trying to force you to say anything.”

Wonwoo and Jun’s relationship is complicated to say the least. They haven’t really had a conversation with each other. The problem is that Wonwoo has the innate habit of closing people off before they really get to know him. It’s this defense mechanism he’s used countless times before that very few have pushed passed. 

“I know,” Wonwoo manages to say with his words breaking, “I just need a moment.”

“Okay.” is all Jun can really say at this moment. A few seconds pass and Wonwoo manages to keep going.

“I didn’t think I would be stuck like this for so long. I thought that things would get better for me, but I can’t tell if things have gotten better for me or not. Like I’m not completely depressed right now, but I don’t really want to do anything either. I don’t think I’m anymore happier than I was a few weeks ago, I’m just a little bit more sane I guess. I can’t be so sure of that either though. I wish I knew though because it would be so nice just to know how I’m feeling. But maybe this is the way things are meant to be. For me to be this mundane and subdued all the time so I can actually do things. To be so doped up that I can’t fully think or act sometimes but that I can be able to leave my apartment without feeling so tense and unhinged. That everything is supposed to feel so hazy and unreal to me that I think all of it doesn’t really matter to me. Maybe this is the way things are supposed to be. Maybe me not being myself is the only way for me to get better. I guess that’s the way things are sometimes. I just feel like I don’t make sense anymore. How I laugh at the face of misery and cry at happiness is rather peculiar. Why am I laughing when I’m in pain?. Why do I force myself to smile or catch my sorrows through my teeth and carry on fine? Sometimes I don’t understand that.” Wonwoo keeps speaking, but his voice starts to break again like before. 

“If I had known that my life was going to be this way, would I still have stayed?” He feels like his words are caught in his throat, clawing at the walls as to not escape. Yet they manage to leave and fly into the air. “Or would I have left? What should I do? I don’t know what I should do anymore to be honest. To keep on struggling is tortuous and painful to bear, but to die so soon is weak and pointless. But how much has anything I’ve done really helped? Has my medications and therapy sessions really helped me get better?” Wonwoo can feel himself getting more and more anxious, but forces himself to keep going. 

“I don’t think I can be fixed anymore. I just don’t know what I want to do anymore. I can’t bear it. Why can’t I just bear life? Is that so challenging? Maybe in the end, I'm not worth it. After all the medicines and things they stuff down my throat, after all the hours talking to numerous amounts of people, maybe I'm not. You think after a couple of years you would get better, right? I feel like everything just keeps getting worse for me, like a snowball effect. Everything just creates more tension and issues for me. I wish I could fix it, and I can't stop the snowball from rolling, it's gravity, it's only natural it seems.”

Wonwoo finishes his whole rant, the life inside of him is just sucked out. He hasn’t stopped crying and now is curled up into a ball, facing his body away from Jun. 

The whole time afterwards Wonwoo doesn’t say anything. Jun doesn’t do anything except just lie there besides his roommate and wait. 

“I’m sorry that was such a long ass fucking rant.” is the first sentence that Wonwoo says with swollen eyes and tears staining his face. 

Jun stops lying on his back and positions himself to rest on his side, looking right at Wonwoo. They just sort of stare at each other for a while now before Wonwoo playfully hits Jun’s shoulder.

“Hey.” Wonwoo says with a light smile on his face.

Jun doesn’t break his eye contact with Wonwoo, “Yes?”

Wonwoo breathes deeply for a moment, “We need to get the fuck out of here before Soonyoung thinks we both decided to die together or something.”

Jun laughs heartily and nods, “Shit yeah I’m surprised he didn’t call the cops on this place.”

“Fuck cops, they’re literally useless and privileged beyond belief.” Wonwoo retorts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm hoping that the rest of the story is more lighthearted and fun. i think that's how i cope with my mental illnesses the best, so i think it would be better if jun and wonwoo did the same. thank you to anyone who is still reading after not posting for so long...


End file.
